#32. Write About Myself

Happy new year, anyone reading this post. It's 2nd, January 'round here, although I'm pretty sure some part of the Earth is still 1st by the time I write this thing.

You should be knowing this by now, but... I'm far from what I'm planning - or rather, daydreaming - to do. There's a saying "When stuck, write about yourself."[citation needed] So, hey, I'm more than stuck here, so that's what I'm going to do right now.

I tell you, it's not pretty.

I am a male human being with Asian appearance and most probably (and stereotypically) Asian virtues and mindset, whose age is currently sprinting toward the middle of twens. I am overweight, possibly obese, and my eyesights are only redeemed by a pair of spectacles. My strength is below average, but I'm pretty sure I have decent endurance and stamina - that makes me half a Fighter, only if I was on a character sheet and every actions I take with the slightest chances of failure was followed by a roll of d20.

Now that I think of it, I was always at the bottom of wherever I am, and I felt comfortable down there. I did things because I had to, or, I thought I had to. I see some things are there just because they have to be there, and some questions must be answered in certain ways just because they have to be that way. What I think of the subject matter is irrelevant, I have to do as it has to be. This is probably the best thing I can afford as my superego.

People around me says that life hits its zenith at twens. I say my life has hit one back in my teenager life, and at this very moment I am at best standing on a plateau. Sooner or later it will all fall, and I am wondering if there's anything I can do about it. Perhaps I am already falling down, but it's either too gentle to notice or too steep to feel at all. Perhaps I may have another chance to rise, but when?

My neural system runs on a specific chemical we are all familiar with - caffeine. I blame the night shifts back in my army days, but here's a tip, from a serious case of a caffeine addiction: Never drink down more than two canisters of energy drink a day. The heartbeat alone can drive you nuts, and don't get me started with shaky hands and insomnia.

I am as sexual and attractive as an empty file cabinet. Sometimes I confuse myself as an asexual, but I'm pretty sure I didn't hit on that girl thrice in a row just because I had a sudden urge to get ditched thrice in a row. I have a rather firm belief that I am not attractive, and if I ever get a chance of date it's either one of those not-wet dreams with a twisted sense of joke, or the date needs someone better than myself but fails to realize.

I speak, read and understand three different languages, and I translate some role-playing game materials for the hell of it. As Saitama would put it, I'm "just a guy who's a translator for fun." In fact, this is mostly what I've learned for the last twenty-something years, and as far as I see it, this is the only thing I'm better than anyone else around me. People know me see me as a walking dictionary, and treat me as such.

I have a secret passion of becoming a videogame developer. Nothing lures my heart like old 8-bit and 16-bit pixel graphics and chiptune soundtracks. Part of my imagination and inspiration comes from Japanese franchise like Digimon and Kamen Rider, another part comes from Dungeons & Dragons, mixed with Lovecraftian horror and served in a dish of old-school videogame. Oh, and here's a funny part: I cannot write a single code without reading one from a textbook, I cannot draw a same thing twice, and I cannot even play a single note out of anything instrumental. If I somehow make a videogame right now (perhaps I can bark with a text-to-speech device?) that will make me the most incompetent game developer the world have ever seen.

There's one thing I can do, and it is writing. I write, because it has no other way to find its way out of this neurotic brain of mine. Most of my writings have heads and tails, but no bodies, and I don't feel like filling the middle part. Some of my older writings still get me in the least expected, and make me get a time-machine, go back in the past, find my younger self in that time-line, and punch him in the face.

My arch-nemesis is my sloth, procrastination, self-hatred, and therefore, myself. When I look into a mirror I see a young, lazy, incompetent and whiny man, aging day by day, into an old, lazy, incompetent and whiny man. I have this disturbing feeling toward my own name, which is partly the reason I'm happy with this unfortunately lame alias. I see myself as it is, and couldn't find a better name to describe it.

This, so far, is a man I know as Weirdo Whoever.

Now that I finished writing on myself, I can see myself clearer. Please don't get started with self-esteem issues and all, I know I might be having one but still think I'm not working hard enough to deserve one. Better start with my good ol' Unity 3D lessons. End transmission.